To Be or Not To Be A Relationship Person

My entire “adult” life, until this past year I’ve been a relationship person — what I would call a serial monogamist. I had two serious, long-term boyfriends one of whom I was long distance with and one who I lived with for over three years and only really took a 3 month break between the end of one and start of another. When I got out of my most recent long-term relationship last summer, I had this overwhelming push from society // media // etc. that this was was time that I was supposed to find myself and get okay with being alone. You know like what you hear about in movies and read in magazines — date yourself, if you’re not having fun by yourself how would you expect anyone else to enjoy your company, learn how to go out to eat alone…all that jazz. Here’s the thing, as an Aquarius moon and rising I AM ALMOST TOO GOOD at doing my own thing and having a ball in my own little world by myself. The last thing I need to do is teach myself how to do that better and do more of it.

Because I felt like this was supposed to be my single lady time (or at least because that idea was pushed on me) — which who knows, maybe it is, I started going into dates with that mentality, that this could and probably is just for fun and that I don’t know what I want or what I’m looking for. I will say, that you get out of a date what you put in. Even if you’re energetically swiping with the thoughts and feelings of a fuck buddy, that’s what you’re going to get — aka he’s not going to be your future partner. In my experience, it’s easy to get stuck in this rhythm, especially given the social landscape we’re currently living in. It’s easy to think there is something better out there that you could have your fingers on — literally — in a matter of moments. We’re short on time, always looking for the next best thing, and honestly have option overload. What does that lead to? Inconsistency, no commitment, flakiness, etc.

Where am I going with this? To be honest, I’m not quite sure. I have too many thoughts and feelings. But the point of this post is to tell you that in therapy last week, I got permission to be a relationship person. And let me tell you, I really needed to hear it. It’s what my mind, body, and spirit needs and craves in this lifetime. I spend a lot of my — mmm let me take that back pretty much all of my time carrying other people in some way shape or form (savior complex // virgo sun much). Because of that, I have a hard time feeling my own emotions because I don’t feel comfortable letting that go because I’m taking care of myself alongside others. That only changes when I’m in a loving, committed relationship. Only then do I feel like I have the support I need to let go, feel my emotions, cry, do all of the things that are healthy for energetic release. It’s not even a conscious thing, that’s the crazy part about it and the reason I'm just coming to terms with it now.

So if you’re like me and need to hear it. Stuff like this article is BS and it’s totally okay to be a relationship person, so long as that is who you are at your core and you’re not masking getting to know yourself or falling into an unhealthy codependent relationship because of it. Theres a constant balance here as there is with anything in life.

Where does this lead me now? Onto the next. Onto men who are interested in a relationship and not just hanging out. It means adjusting my swiping mentality (yes I realize how ridiculous that sounds) and the energy I’m approaching dates with. This also leads me to the VERY interesting poll I released on instagram stories last week asking thoughts and feelings on sex on the first date. I wasn’t surprised that so many people weighed in, but I was surprised just how many people said “hard no” here. Also, not surprising, were the messages I received on all the variables and factors — this is more the camp I’m in, but in general I’m not opposed to sex on a first date * if it feels right *.

Let’s get this straight. If you’re going into the date thinking — yes they’re hot, we’re totally going to bang. that’s a very different scenario than thinking wow this person has a lot of potential, I can’t wait to learn more about them and see where this lead and then maybe it leads into sex that same day // night. See the difference? It’s all about the energy you choose to enter the date with. And if the other end of the party is entering with hook-up feels, it’s likely that you will pick up on that — if you’re tuned in and paying attention that is. What I think is funny // what I’m not into is if you’re going into a date with genuine I want to get to know you vibes, it’s obvious that they’re also going in with real I’d be into possibly exploring a relationship vibes (and they’re clearly ready for it // have done the work) and one thing leads to another and another and then you shut it down just because it’s a first date. That seems a little silly to me. I totally understand the other side and thought mentality — you know the whole make them wait and woo you thing. But things don’t always move linearly. And let’s be real, that feels like a game. Let’s be real x2: time is a hot commodity. We need to use it wisely. Why waste a 3 or 4 or 5 date rule with someone you end up not being sexually compatible with. Wouldn’t you rather know sooner than later? Maybe that’s just me.

What are your thoughts on any of the above? Are you a “relationship person?” Or do you thrive when you’re single and bopping around? Do you have an X # date rule?

Would love to hear is all! Comment below or shoot me a DM over on @nowheylady. XO